I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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