Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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