you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
