3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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