By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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