What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
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I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
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I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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