a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
