Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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