You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
