she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
