Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Actions speak louder than pants.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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