yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
