i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
not ubering you a puppy
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
