mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I feel like abortions should bother me more
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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