my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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