I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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