i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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