He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
