The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
