i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
