Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
