i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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