im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Found your dick twin last night
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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