bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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