do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize
