i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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