Can Purell be used as lube?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
