Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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