I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
