Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
