i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
