I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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