it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
