My balls are so social today.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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