Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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