i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
