I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
