I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
