And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
