I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
