Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
