turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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