my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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