I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
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Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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