Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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