found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
