i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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