My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
