It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
