Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
