i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
