im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
