I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
