A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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