There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
