what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
