I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
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I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
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Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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