he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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