Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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